A letter to my boy

I had actually written a similar letter to him... Something similar, but this one is more serious... I dunno if I should send this to him...

I really am quite depressed now... Feel like crying... I need to see my psychologist again!... :(

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Dear xxx

Is it time for me to move on? It seems that you had been creating opportunities for me to move on.

How many times had I told you what will piss me off? How many times had we argued about what makes me angry? How many times had I complained about the lack of affection from you? How many times my intuition had came true? How many times had I hinted to you not to take me for granted? How many times had I hinted that I don’t feel loved? At all?

Ask yourself… search within yourself…

I think you actually don’t love me at all. You are probably just getting used to me being around and available and be there whenever you need someone. To either protect you or to help you in one way or another. I think you are comfortable and thought you loved me. Actually, you just want me to be around.

You yourself said you were too hurt by your last relationship to put all your heart and soul into this one. You said you understand that I love you a lot. I had also told you that you are the most important person in the world for me. You said you feel very bad that you cannot love me more than I love you. You said you are afraid of being hurt by love again.

Come to think of it, I seriously think you are cheating yourself. You are wasting your time and my time. Every time I bring up this topic, you will apologize and then say that you really love me and will not leave me. But how can someone who claims to love the other person not think about him? You can pull through days without giving me a call. You probably don’t know that because I will call you at the end of the day. If I don’t call, you will not. I really feel stupid.

I was depressed because of you and have to see a psychologist, but you don’t seem to care less. You let me catch you once and again with your rendezvous and your lying. I actually will not mind if you are having flings outside. The problem is you are not interested to have sex with me whenever I asked. But you will be doing it outside, with strangers. I used to think that the most important thing is that you know how to go home and remember who the husband is. But I now think sex is very important in a relationship. If you are not having it with me but with other people, I really don’t see how you can claim to love me and why we should still be together as a couple. You are making me more depressed, not the other way round like you said I was giving you pressure. If you feel that I was giving you pressure, maybe you should seriously re-consider your declared so-called love for me.

You had also once and again shown that I am not important to you at all. You indulge in activities that take up your time and prevents us from meeting on weekends. You claim these activities are ‘once in a blue moon’ but if you stepped aside and count the number of such events, it is ridiculous. How can a 30+ year old man behave like a teenage girl and do silly embarrassing things and being obsessed with the wrong things and not accept the truth? You even resort to lying to me to get to these activities too!

I had told you my intuition is often very accurate. I can read your thoughts and actions and know what you were saying is the truth. Can you at least take the effort to lie better? At least it will make me less suspicious and happier?

I really don’t know what to do. Should I ignore you like what you are doing now? Ignoring me?

I really feel like giving up. I just feel like crying.

My depression is coming back.

Thank you.
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