True Love...

真爱, 是一次又一次的爱上同一个他。。。
(True love, is to fall for the same person, again and again (and again...)).

Heard the above line from an ad some where, some time from the radio. I liked it immediately. How true it is...

Is this happening to you?

Do you fall for your partner every day? Or will your love change as he change? If you are a slim chaser, will you love him still when he grows fat? If you like a younger man, will youn love him still when he gets older? If you like a muscular man, will you love him still when he got injured, can't gym and gets fat? If you are a chub chaser, will you love him still when he slims down because of health reasons?

Haha... Maybe it is due to the Valentine's Day emotions spilling over, but no matter what time of the year it is, I really just wanna say the stuff below:

I am not a chub chaser... But the more time I spend with Boy, who is still slightly bigger than me, the more I like him and it grew to love and I began to accept his body shape and size. And now I began to appreciate and accept bigger sized guys. And the more I see Boy, the more I love him. And I dun mind at all if he will grow even bigger.

I love him whether he is wearing or not wearing, I love him when he made me angry, I love him when he is being unreasonable, I love him when he is acting cute, I love him when he tried to make me smile when he knew he had made me angry. I love him when he is asleep. I love him when he is singing. I love him when he is trying to sing. I love him when he chases after his idol. I love him when he tries to concentrate watching the movie. I love him when he peeps and laugh at me beginning to cry at the movies.

I just love him so much.

I love him again and again. Every day. Every time.

Is this true love? I dun know. But I know I love him.

I might not be the best lover. I still need more sex than he want to provide. But I know how to separate sex and love. I will give up the extra sex if he can give me. But no matter what, I still love him. I will rather give up on the extra sex than give him up. I dun think I can bear to lose him.

I love him.

I love my Boy.

The Curse of the Mummy...

I HATE the movie series, 'The Mummy'...

I believe I suffered from the 'curse of the mummy'...

Why?

Well... The last movie I watched with my first ex is 'The Mummy'... We broke up shortly thereafter...

When 'The Mummy 2' came about, I suffered another breakup...

And so, when the newest movie from the 'Mummy' series is showing, I am really worried... I had already told boy that I will NEVER watch the movie...

I am kinda scared I will lose boy due to this 'curse'...

:/

On Saturday TCS showed 'The Scorpion King', a pre-quel to 'The Mummy 2'... And I saw the movie before realising is is a pre-quel... I wonder if...

Well... I wonder if I am just thinking too much...

Anyway, we are meeting less and less these days... Nowadays, we only get to meet twice a week... and only once last week...

:/

The thing about intimacy

Do you have issues being intimate with your loved one?

I don't... But I think boy has...

He never like me to touch him. Even in the car, he will keep saying the people in the cars next to us can see when I reach out for his hand... Is there anything wrong??

I can understand if he dun like it when I try to touch him when at shopping centers... But in the car?? And he also dun like it when I try to reach for his hand in the cinema...

I dunno what his problem really is... But I kinda concluded that he dun like to be intimate with me... Afterall, we only make love once in 2, 3 months...

Why would one have issues with being intimate with your loved one?? I really love boy and I really want to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him, to have him with me, to make love to him etc... Why is it that he will not want these from me? He thinks I am too horny and a pervert for wanting to touch him and want to make love more regularly...

And I really want him to tell me he love me and adore me by touching me, by kissing me, by holding me etc... But he doesn't do all these...

What's wrong???

And we are seeing each other less... Nowadays, we meet up only twice a week... each time only about 4-6 hours...

And this is making me long for intimacy... I crave for someone to hold me, to touch me, to hold my hands, to kiss me, to feel me... Sometimes, it is not sex I am seeking... I just feel the need to want to be intimate with someone... Well, since I can't get it from boy, I have to get it from others... But it is also difficult to get intimate with others... Not everyone wanna get intimate with you... Most just want sex...

And people keep thinking it is MY problem and that I am forsaking boy by seeking intimacy and sex outside...

And then there are those you really dun wanna kiss or be intimate... Well, I am a Buaya, but I do not eat everyone... I do have standards too... :p

Haiz...

Well... Seems like I will have to continue this search for alternate intimacy... Maybe if we get to stay together, things might turn better...

Let's hope things will get better and that I am just thinking too much...

Arrrgh...

Well... As Murphy's Law would have it... Boy spoilt the day...

I was so looking forward to seeing him and when I even bought somethign he wanted for him before going to meet him... When he finally reached there and called me, I told him I was already very hungry and that we should go meet at the restaurant. He agreed and I walked to the restaurant... But I was left to wait for 15 minutes outside, wondering where he was and whether something bad had happened... I called him 3 times and he did not pick up the phone... Then he called me and told me he saw something he want at an arcade and he just had to play the game to get the prize first...! I stormed off...

He apologised later and gave me what he had won but I pushed it back to him and did not speak to him the whole night... I almost had gastric problems by then... Haiz... Sometimes I really wonder...

Am I asking too much? Or is it that he dun care much about me?

Luckily... The next day he made it up by guai guai going to the places I wanted to go...

Missing boy...

Ya... I missed him lots... Last met him on Saturday... :p

Was picking up B after work to meet the guys for dinner and as I was waiting for him, I was reminded of how I was waiting for boy... :p And the other cars around were all men waiting to pick up their spouses, either after shopping or work... Then and there, I really began to really miss boy...

The strange thing is, however, I tend to be impatient with boy and as I was getting tired and stressed out, I tend to get easily irritable and angry over little things with him... Is this because I love him too much that I am comfortable with him to vent my frustrations on him? Or am I taking him for granted? Am I expecting too much from him?

Am meeting boy later... I hope I can be more patient and less irritable... It seems unfair to him to suffer my stress... Love him too much to want him to go thru whatever I am going thru...

Haiz...

Back! Back! :p

I am back... from my little weekend getaway... :p

Very tiring... I usually dun sleep well in new places... Think tonight I will be able to get to sleep well for once... :p

Miss my boy... :p

I just wanna say I love him... :p

Ya... I just wanna say that I LOVE MY BOY... :p

Dunno why... Just feel the urge to do so...

Planning our holiday for the year end... Hope this trip will be good... I mean, since this is the first holiday since the last disastrous HK trip... :p

Now just hoping can get the air tix and the hotel rates won't be too ex... *Cross fingers*... :p

Urrgh!...

I dunno what is wrong... We are pushing to our 5th year but there seems to have so many problems between us!... I had never been taken for granted as much as now... I feel like I was never important to him at all... Urrgh!...

Thanks...

Thanks guys, for your concern...

We met and talked over the weekend... He apologised and even said he missed me... I was cold towards him the whole nightand he was ok with it... I think he really meant it... He even took the initiative to kiss me...

Anyway, I kinda enjoyed the freedom I had over the past week and I might just take a step back and relax...

In any case, all seems normal now... But I am going to be more in charge now... If anything but to make MYSELF happier...

Thanks again...

Sigh...

I miss him... But I am not sure if I really miss him or just the need to be with someone...

Today is to be our 3.5 years anniversary... But we are still not talking. I insisted that he has to call to apologise first and he insists he will not do so... Only wanting to SMS... once or twice a day...

Now I am beginning to think whether we are really in love...

I was struck with a bad migraine and had 2 days MC and he did not even bother to call me even though he knows my headache is very bad...

I was very upset... I was crying due to the migraine and I was crying more as my friends are more concerned about my situation than my partner...

I feel like giving up...

I definitely do not want to be the first to call him... I mean he was the one in the wrong... And HE was the one who told me in the face 'DUN CALL ME THIS WHOLE WEEK!'... So why should I call?

But if I dun call and he dun call... Does that mean the end?...

Breaking off soon?

Me and boy had a couple of big fights... And both times, he walked off and left me very angry...


Last night, he didn't even know he was embarassing me and started scolding me... Then I retorted back and he just said he is going home liao and asked me not to call him for the whole week! I just said fine and told him that he is the one in the wrong and I will not call him unless he apologised or call me first!...

If he did not call me, I think this spells the end...

Anyway, I went for the farm trip with the BW guys today... Will post on that and post some pics of the place soon...

Bad temper...

I had been extremely bad tempered towards boy lately... It just seems like he is purposely irritating me... And going against whatever I asked him to do... Everything I like or want, he dun like or dun want etc...

And then we quarrelled over whether to go for short holiday nearby... In the end I think I will go with my friends instead...

Most likely in late July... Just over a weekend... To somewhere nearby...

Could be the weather making me irritable... Could be my job... Dunno exactly why lah... But I will always be happy to see him but the moment he sees me, he starts to irritate me... And recently, he has so many OTs... I also dunno if it is true...

Then I also realised that sometimes, people read one of your actions or intentions wrongly and interprets in another way and then all hell will break loose... And sometimes, you dun even know it is happening... This is a sad and political world afterall, isn't it?

And then there are so many people these days... They just want everything to be done according to THEIR way... I had seen a friend's blog being left nasty comments that are unwarranted just because the fellow reads my friend's blog and is not happy with what he is writing and thinks he 'hao lian'... And of course I encountered people throwing nasty comments at me just because I stood up and tell bloggers what they did was wrong in the comments... What is wrong with people these days??? Cannot take comments, cannot take criticism, cannot take alternative views, cannot tolerate people's views, writings, believes, capabilities... etc... Urrgh!!!...

Sigh... Anyway, I am trying to relax and calm down and not be bothered... With boy and all...

Trying to relax in this crazy world and weather...

And look forward to a farm trip this coming weekend! :)

Thanks for reading... Will post pictures of the trip... :)

Who can I trust?

I somethimes wonder who I can trust anymore...

There isn't anyone I can really trust... Not even him... I dun even know a lot about him, come to think of it... After so many years... *Sigh*...

So tired...

The past week was so tiring... But fun... :p

Went celebrate my birthday with boy, then have chalet with the BW guys...

Now I need a good rest... But got lots of work to clear! *Sigh*...

La la la la la...

Ya... Buaya is quite relieved and happy now... Cos boy is discharged and resting at home liao... :)

Now I can relax... :)

Thanks for all your well wishes... :)

My heat pains...

to see him on the hospital bed with all those tubes plucked into his hands in ICU...

He's awake and probably in pain though he makes it seem bearable... He still can't eat anything yet... Poor baby had been starving for almost 24hrs as of now... Tomorrow will see him again... If his family is not around, that is...

I think I can only fully rest and relax after he's out of the hospital...

So nervous...

I am so nervous... Boy's surgery is this week... I am so scared that I might lose him... I know it is silly... But you know lah... :/

And worse, he dun want me to visit him as his family will be there... :(

I will be a nervous wreck this week...

Oh... And I have a high chance of switching job soon... I feel a responsibility to tell my boss about me potentially leaving so he can find a new person for this job... But... A good idea meh?...

Do I really know what I want now? :p

After working my butt off the whole of yesterday and still feeling the heatiness... I think I really know what I want now... :)

And I hope now that they call me soon and everything will be smooth sailing... :p

On another note, boy is really nervous about the surgery... And he is talking nonsense... All his worrying is making me sort of regret that I insists he must have the surgery done... For the benefit of his long term health... I do not want anything to happen to him because of this... But I think he must have the surgery because otherwise, I worry everynight and his health is badly affected... The surgery is scheduled for next week... Oh well...

I am promising him goodies and gifts after he recovers... Trying to make him happier and less scared... But he is just making me nervous as well...

Surgery...

Not me... My boy is going for a surgery soon... And I am worried... Unduly, of course, I hope...

He is very scared... And it is just making me worry more...

Oh well... Just wanna tell you guys... Thanks for reading...

Depression sinking in...

This time it is work... I just feel like crying for no reason... I just keep thinking of different ways of dying... This is bad.

Seen my psychologist, I was asked to monitor and if it is really bad till when I will cry while in meetings (which I almost did earlier today), I will have to see a psychiatrist and start to take medication to control... I think the time is near.

Boy had noticed that I am very stressed up by work and had been a good boy recently... But he did complain that I had not been paying attention on him and had been buying less things/dinners for/with him... I think this job is eating into me quite bad...

I am seriously thinking of changing my job and had been checking things out... I think the time is near. Too.

I just might to seriously think of a serious paycut to be happier... Not that I am enjoying a high pay now, anyway... So, this is one thing I need to seriously think about...

But in the meantime... I really need to make sure that work is not causing my depression to really sink in...