Friends?

Hmm... I was very upset after reading a friend's blog entry recently... I suddenly felt a little 心寒 (cold) when I read his entry... I felt like I was never seen as a friend... :(

At the same time, I also read that a few other friends seem to also have problems with friends. Or people they regard as friends and are blogging about their thoughts...

After reading all of their blog entries, I can't help but wonder who can really be considered as my friends and who are just people who enjoyed my company for a short while when they are lonely or needs entertainment or needs advise or needs sex or whatever the reasons might be...

I can't help but feel a little helpless.

I never really had good friends. And I thought I had finally embarked on my belated journey to find good friends when I find BW. But had I?...

Do you know how is it like to always not have people who wanna meet you for dinner?

Do you know how it is like to always go around thick-skinningly asking people whether you can join them for their dinner and activities?

Do you know how it is like when you are in a group and you do not know what they are saying or what is going on?

Do you know how it is like to sit in a group of people you know but you have nothing to say, not because you don't want to say anything?

Do you know how it is like when you bring someone to a group and they became closer and you became out?

I used to tell people who asked me these questions that these are normal occurrences. And that we should just accept what is going on as it is a part of life. But if it happens too often, one can't help but start to wonder. Is it normal? Or is it because of me?

I think I am scared now. I am scared I had just been living in my own fantasy.

I am afraid I had mis-read all the signs all this while. And thus making a fool out of myself... Making myself a laughing stock.

:|

*shit*... Am I going down the road of clinical depression again?

Thanks for reading...